quiet

"You're quiet today."
"Yeah."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know."
"And no writings for me today?"
"No."
"How come?"
"I had something written, I just decided not to bring it."
"Want to tell me about that?"
"No."
"Okay. Remember it's in your control what is shared and how much. How's therapy going?"
"Same."
"Full steam ahead?"
"Yes."
"How are you feeling?"
"Same."
"And we're back to the one word answers. Let us meditate on that..."

We bowed our big eye to our little eye (not eyes at all...your fingers.... also referred to as egos)..... in hopes to quiet the mind, and sat in lotus for 10 minutes. I sat... hands turned upward, thumb and index finger curled ontop of each other.... and waited for the universe to quiet my thoughts.

But all I found in those 10 minutes was a feeling of instability, shakiness, and noise. When I sit down to meditate my hands instinctively turn down, palms on my knees.... a way of seeking groundedness. I never.... ever sit and have my hands go upward. I'm not ready to open myself up to what the universe has to offer.... I am still struggling with everything I have to feel centered in all it's already given me.

All of my therapists (the good ones) have said that I'm quietest when things are the hardest. That I'm like the sawn swimming so gracefully on the surface but paddling like hell underneath where no one sees..... I'm quiet because I"m trying hard to keep it all together.... to not fall apart. Just... don't fall apart. One day, one hour, one moment at a time...just hold it all together.

She noticed today that our time together feels like it goes so slowly, and yet it goes so quickly. That might be taken in a way of: She dreads our time together because it drags.... but that isn't how she means it. She means that we are able to do more than we used to do...a greater number of asanas.... but when she looks at her clock the hour goes by so fast. I'm not sure any of that made sense.

I was very bendy today. She took advantage of it and did a lot of deep stretch postures.

We did Marichyasana I today.... which I've never done before and have never heard of until today.... and I'm glad they have a photo because explaining it would be a lot of fun....

It was an interesting stretch.... but a nice one... deep and focused. When we did both sides twice, she had us go back to both legs out front and then to realign the hips said to lay back and do a sit up..... I don't lay back. Ever.

"Wow. What a great sit up that was! It was so fast I didn't even see it!"

There are times she goes into a posture... I can tell she's excited to do it... or puts something in to transition into a posture (like a jump).... and explains it and then does it without thinking..... and then looks over to see that I am not with her, have not done it and have no plans on even attempting.... I'm okay with her making jokes about it.... she tries to lighten things, and I know it's her way of letting me know it's ok if I'm not ready to do things....

My Pigeon Pose is progressing.... She coaxes me to try a little more each time we do it... reminding me I'm more flexible than I think.

She reminds me of the WInnie the Pooh movie where they say: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think...... Becuase she's always saying: I'm looking at you and from what I see you can go deeper, you're more flexible/stronger than you think you are.

I'm still struggling with finding my strength.

I'm quiet in yoga latly.... which is a lot of why we can do more during the sessions. I'm not talking or objecting.... I'm just doing. I'm trying.... But there is also the sadness hanging over me and I'm fighting with everything I have during those sessions to not break down. The sadness grows stronger in the stillness.

We did triangles and dancing shivas.... and as always I struggled.... Presence. Not my forte.

I'm shaky in the triangles... doubting my leg strength. My mind focused on how weak I feel...and so my body mirrors those thoughts.... and I struggle. I'm timid in the dancing shiva..... certain that I cannot balance on one leg. And once again, my mind produces perfect results and I am unable to feel still.... present.... in the posture.

"This is a good posture to get really frustrated with yourself. So don't let it overwhelm you, just refocus and get back into it..."

She is sharing with me the wisdom of her old yoga teacher.... a teacher she was with for 20 years. She is using a lot of her philosophies with me... and has been insisting that I find stillness before moving farther with the pose. Each pose has a sequence of steps.... just like the one pictured above.... there are steps to getting into that pose... to make sure everything is aligned properly... and so basically she is taking her time in moving me through the steps and until I master stillness, I'm not to move forward.....

It helps teach patience and confidence.... trust within yourself. To know when you are ready to move forward. It helps slow things down.... I am grateful for her sharing what she has learned from her own teachers.... it helps more than she knows. These teachings and philosophies have been around for .... centuries. Longer than any psychotherapy.

She asked about doing bridges today....and I said no, not today. She said she thought as much but wanted to ask.

The whole working on our back thing.... I might be willing to try some easier postures that require being on my back. But... I don't know yet.

So instead of bridges we did Dancing Shiva.... yoga is about balance so when you are doing a lot of hip or spine stretches you have to make sure to balance them.... triangle works the spine, hips, and chest.... but it bends the spine to the side.... Dancing Shiva is a backbend....so it compresses the spine...... Since she knows I don't realy like doing balancing postures (I like Dancing Shiva, it's a beautiful pose...but I hate it because it requires a lot of presence...balance requires presence).... she agreed to do Rabbit Pose before we went into meditation..... She hates Rabbit Pose. But she knows I love it, and it's a good balance to Dancing shiva... it enlongates the spine....

I'm rambling to avoid things....

I'm really struggling with "the incident" memories right now.

Struggling with things we are working on in therapy but.... those memories are really big at the moment.

I'm sad and still a complete mess.... eating is terrible.... energy is low. anxiety high.... bad combo.

I'm trying hard to just sit with it... not judge it or take hold of it... just sit with it. During meditation tonight she was trying to do more of a guided meditation tonight.... the whole river thing. Your thoughts are leaves on a river, just let them be carried away.... notice it, but let it go. And I actually saw a very fast turbulent river.... not sure why it was so fast.... probably because my thoughts are far too overwhelming right now..... your subconscious rivers can tell you many things.... afterall, I could have imagined a nice calm lazy stream....

I need to sleep tonight. I need one night without nightmares. Just one. Just one and I will be fine.

let go - by spinningwhirl on Polyvore.com

out of body

Things today with Dr. S ... I went in shaky and anxious. But I did somewhat better today... I was able to at least try things more... she didn't attempt any "laying down" poses...and kept to sitting, kneeling, standing asanas. I was able to raise my arms above my head... quickly...for a brief millisecond. But managed at least....

She was trying to get me to move more today I think... motion. It was hard and I just felt really unstable... We were doing forward bends and something happened that triggered someone.... They don't come out with Dr. S, so it's being triggered.... terrified... with no reason. I didn't "see" what was triggered... I just felt the sheer panic.

One of the other doctors (a new guy) was walking in and out a few times.... I could see him through the window in the door. She tried to stand in front of it but it was too late by that point....and I'm not entirely sure it was that, but that added to the anxiety... She clapped.... We were doing a forward bend and then she clapped and swooped up into Talasana.... and it totally spooked me. I wasn't expecting that sound..... Ugh note to self: send her another email re: sudden noises....

I'm like a skittish horse or something.... totally spooked by any sudden unexpected sound or movement. She didn't mean to scare me... but yeah. it did.... not even sure that fully triggered things because the trigger happened a little bit after.... it was probably a combined cause.... multiple triggers snowballing.

Anyway.... Email to Dr. S:

I’m not exactly sure what triggered things, if it was the asanas, the man coming in and out, the voices in the hall/waiting area/end of the hall office, or the clapping. Something was triggered, though. I know that having therapy right before doing movement therapy made things more sensitive. I was already shaky and trying to “contain” everything. It was, as always, a mix of things I’m sure. I am going to try and make sure Jane is not before you...

Connecting was really difficult today. Concentrating, being present…. I was having a hard time being “in body” (I'm never in body but much less so today)… it was frustrating. It took so much focus to make sure the body was in the correct position, and as soon as I’d move the anxiety would come washing over and I’d have to completely refocus… It was a constant tug of war between my brain and myself…. It’s like dominoes… I’d concentrate on lining all of them up… my legs, my feet, my hips, my heart…. Making sure everything is where it is supposed to be, and then one tiny movement and the whole thing is knocked down and I’m frantically lining it all up again….

My breath is horrible.

It takes so much energy and focus just to try and be in body that my breath is atrocious. I’m not controlling it at all and it does get away from me…and it does perpetuate the anxiety and the triggers and it allows me to keep myself not-fully-present.

I feel like I’m ADD on my mat during sessions. Because it’s a constant spinning… Focus on my body…. What was that noise? Intrusive thoughts…. Focus on my balance…. More intrusive thoughts… I’m not breathing, BREATHE!.... I don’t feel safe. “I am safe. This is a safe place.”.. internal dialogue over the intrusive thoughts…. Focus on where my heart is, my shoulders…. Intrusive thoughts…. Breath is too rapid…. Intrusive thoughts….. Find my hips, ugh, where are my hips?.... Intrusive thoughts…..

And that is all in a matter of a few minutes…. Go the whole hour like that.

I’m not in my body. I can align myself in the positions (fairly accurate) but knowing what is tight, where my shoulders are, how to move them, etc… I’m just about clueless. I don’t *feel* my body the majority of the time, and when I end up triggered and dissociating I go numb and get dizzy…. I feel floaty. I’m not there at all by that point.

I’m not in my body and I’m not comfortable to be in it… When I do start to become more present… I know this because the room gets brighter, more in focus… sounds normalize…. When I do feel more “in body”…. I panic. I’m not even sure I intentionally panic and pull back, or if it is just a reflex. I am finding that I don’t feel safe, at all, fully present… I always keep myself slightly numb. Like I’m bracing for flight if need be…. Always alert, always in danger… at least my brain feels that way.

Jane talked a little about dissociation in session today…. How it was a vital and valuable coping mechanism all the times I was in danger… all the times I needed to protect myself…. Shut down… Survive. But that it isn’t so vital or valuable now. That it’s becoming a hindrance rather than a help.

I don’t know how to not dissociate… because I don’t even really think about when I do dissociate, it just happens. It’s like breathing for me (bad example because I am not a great breather ;) )… It’s just the way it is, it is something I do as naturally as walking… there we go. I’m always disconnected so trying to figure out the steps to my dissociating… what triggers or sets it off… is almost impossible. I can’t insert a new step to derail it…. When I gave up cutting I changed the routine. We spent months figuring out my “pattern” and then just inserted a step to jar the system. I’d go to my mat and sit in child’s pose.

I don’t know how to be more present in body… and I know the whole point of this is that with time it will happen, with time I will be able to sit with anxiety and feeling vulnerable…. It’s not instantaneous as much as I’d like it to be. But maybe what I’m trying to say here is that maybe sitting with anxiety and vulnerability is skipping a step. I’m not even in my body…. I don't know if things will just get better with time... I don't know how to get "in" my body. I've always been out of it. And I'm rambling...and hoping I make sense.

What can you do to help? Because I doubt that will be the last time I get triggered…and in all honesty that trigger was small…. I recovered relatively quickly.

Jane reminds me I’m safe, she reminds me where I am ("You are in Jane's office"), who I’m with ("You are with Jane right now."), what I’m doing ("This is your session hour, you're sitting on my floor on your yoga mat (yes it comes with me)"), that I’m safe ("You are safe here. This is a safe place.) .... Heh, She's said it so many times I hear it in my sleep....

She asks me to feel things… like the floor, the mat, a blanket...whatever is around.

I will try to remember my lotion… she tries to bring me back with scents….. Lilac, honeysuckle, and rose scents are not safe for me. But usually just about anything else is ok.

The studio is open…usually Jane can get close to me…she has furniture and toys all over so my getting up off my mat isn’t as typical (in fact she finds it amazing and odd that I can sit still in one position for so long without my legs falling asleep)…. If you can get me to sit and not be spooked then touch can help. Slow movements are best. She sometimes holds my hand…or if she can get close enough does tapping….EMDR tricks.

Music might help. That would be a good idea… to sort of mask outside noises.

I’m not really sure what else to suggest. I think Jane just tries everything she can think of in those moments, if one thing doesn’t work she moves to the next….

the mat

Yoga was canceled this morning: Dr. S is sick.... I probably got her sick.... sigh.

So will just write....

I started yoga in high school. I’m not even sure why or how I sparked the interest, but I did and so it began… I would look things up online and practice in my bedroom... I didn't get a mat until I was 18 and moved out on my own. I bought a purple one... and was thrilled that they had purple. Now they have designs and eco-friendly mats but back then I was just so psyched they had a purple yoga mat.

I’m not a die hard yogi, my practice is routine but limited. I stay with what is safe. I gravitate toward “flow” yoga, since it allows me to avoid being still... it allows me to move with every breath so that I don't have to focus on anything. I openly admit this…

My favorite pose is child’s pose, one of the few I willingly stay in for long periods. I used to spend literally hours in the pose…. It’s how I gave up cutting. I’d force myself to sit on my mat, often in child’s pose, until the urge passed…. There were nights I’d get on the mat at 6pm and not get off until well after midnight. The mat sort of became my island. I’d stay on it until the waters calmed and it was safe to get off… It was my safe place. If I was on the mat, I was safe, I wasn’t cutting. It might seem silly but it's what got me through it.

“The mat” stays at home, now...but it is the same mat I bought when I was 18…it’s been thru 8 moves, gone cross country 3 times smashed up against a window in the back of my car... has been used as a beach towel, picnic blanket, and even an impromptu changing pad for little bits when nothing else was available…it's been a pillow, a door draft blocker, an art studio, a paint drop cloth.... it's flown countless times with me... it's been used on carpet, wood, tile, concrete, dirt, and grass… has cat claw marks down the center from kitties using it as a scratching post.... teeth marks from where my dog, then puppy, grabbed hold and ran with it until it unraveled and tripped her (little piece of corner missing)… paw scratches from where she used to do down dog with me nuzzling her cold wet nose into my chin…

The mat I bring with me to Dr. S is new… It's purple with a darker purple design on the bottom half. I'll be honest I was a bit embarrassed to show up with "the mat" in it's condition... it has a story, yes, but... not one I'm willing to share just yet with her, and I feel a bit self conscious having gotten so attached to something most people never think twice about.... Dr. S keeps her's in the car... I'd be ok keeping the new one in the car... but I'd honestly be unable to sleep if "the mat" was left anywhere.

"The mat” stays laid out on my floor next to my bed, now. It’s a bedside rug/dog bed/yoga mat. I do my yoga, Pup lays there under me deep breathing and patiently moving as needed. It’s still my island when things get too big… I still curl up on it in Child’s Pose when urges are too strong or nightmares too scary. It is my safe pose, and the mat is still my safe place.

I took the new yoga mat with me to Jane's for the first time last session. I shook horribly while rolling it out and explaining it to her... but she was happy about it, and would have sat on the floor had her legs not kept falling asleep. She was in a skirt... so I didn't expect her to anyway. I feel safer on it, and I do think we were able to share more... the couch thing is not our style and so maybe this is the answer. It's odd tho...admitting that I carry my yoga mat around much like a toddler carries their security blanket. I'd sleep with it if it were breathable... and I've seriously contemplated sawing the legs off my desk so I can sit on the floor while on the computer.....

I'm avoiding but I think this is an ok thing to avoid with... The courage I worked up last night is long gone and talking about those things drained away with the 3 hours of crying I did this morning...

I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel .... frighteningly alone.

Someone said the only way to truly never be alone is to be comfortable with yourself.... which might be true.... but I don't want to be by myself. I've done this by myself for so long and .... I don't want to do that forever.

Sadly no amount of time on the mat seems to make that feeling go away...

Struggle

Yoga session today was not as easy as last time. The anxiety, frustration, and floating trauma from therapy was too present…. So resistance and fear… flooded. Washing over my mat like a flotsam filled wave of smelly sea water...

Note to Dr S: I don’t lay on my back. I just don’t. Not even in bed… I should say: especially not in bed. I lay on my side… I lay on my stomach… but never my back. Ever. It might seem odd, irrational, illogical, or insane. I readily admit this, however, it does not happen.

She wanted to do supported bridge pose today and… once again, I just didn't notice something that I avoid in my own daily practice. So I laid down, hesitated for quite some time, but I did lay down as she asked and for a few seconds managed to stay in "supported" bridge pose before the triggers got too big. Triggered = Fled. Yep curled up like a rolly-polly and froze... Love the Flight & Freeze mode... yay for automatic survival response. Once I was curled up, it was impossible to even try again.

“Can you tell me what’s going on in your mind?”
“No.”
“Do you want to write it?”
“No.”

I am okay with giving her my journals from during the week so she can read my insightful (insane) thoughts about connections I am making on my mat.... but I'd rather refrain from getting into the habit of writing during sessions with her. As it is an almost impossible one to break with Jane.

But.... I couldn’t tell her why… I had already spent an hour with Jane crying, I didn’t want to start again. I knew if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop and then we might as well end the session because all I’d be able to do is sit and cry.

“Well, if we’re going to be in this pose (curled up rolly-polly pose), we’re going to do it right, so straighten your back, shoulders down.”

She called it the “safe pose” but then decided she didn’t want to use that name, since the goal is eventually to feel safe in any asana (pose)…. So we named the pose cocoon pose. We did some seated poses and stretches… She tried to have me lay down again but I couldn’t… wouldn’t. No. She chose another seated pose and used her hands to straighten my back but when she brought her hand to the front to place on my sacrum I freaked out and she had to back off.

At the end she made me choose a back bend… Mainly because she knows that I am decision-phobic. The whole "wanting control but terrified to have it" thing.... How she wants me to see I have control in other more healthy areas, so that I don't have to channel my need for control through things like silence and eating disorders.... "You choose. There is not a wrong or right choice. You have control here. Just pick one." And we sat for a very long time, and finally I chose, sort of....

One of the choices was Camel Pose (the only choice that didn't require my arms going above my head) but I wasn’t able to do it… things were too shaky.

“Have you ever done Baby Camel Pose?”
“Baby Camel? No.”
“It’s like this…” and she got into “Baby Camel Pose" (which is kneeling with hands at heart, bending back slightly, hips forward).
I did what she did and after a few seconds looked over at her… .”You totally just made that up.”
“Yes. I did.”
“Baby Camel Pose.” shook my head.
“Whatever works, kiddo.”

So we did Baby Camel… and I shook…and was still unable to tell her anything. It was a bad day. I have nothing yoga-ish to write about regarding today and really...as you can tell by my writing... I am just frustrated and tired.

Jane’s session was worse. I left feeling frustrated (which carried on through Dr. S session)…and like we wasted an hour. I feel like things are too big so what is the point?

We tried EMDR…a different way today…. She did it backwards…. Instead of doing the vibrations (we use buzzies… work better than eye movements for us) while thinking about the trauma, she did it while thinking about being present… safe in her office with her…and then she’d have me sit and think about the trauma (the least traumatic memory I have with him… that is upsetting but not devastating… not “the” incident… but something I remember with him…)…. We’d think about it for a few seconds and then she’d go back to bring present… “You are safe. You are here in my office. I am with you.”…. over and over and over.

After a few times she said to go to the next level and think of something with him that is a little more upsetting…. We tried and after the first time thinking about it I felt very tired.... instantly exhausted. She says we went too fast… that it was my brain’s way of shutting down (creating opiates) because it was too much.

And I got frustrated.

If I can only tolerate such a small amount, how will I ever get through any of it??? If I can only do a few seconds with something that is a 5 how will I handle the other things? And it’s not like I don’t think about them… They get triggered. They come up…and what am I suppose to do with them?

I am frustrated.

She says that it’s normal…. That she hasn’t known anyone who can do the full strength of the trauma the first try… that it is always a series of steps and building up to it… that everyone starts small. That she does it with kids… very small, very easy… not too fast, not too deep. That you can’t expose a child to the trauma head on, you have to work up to it…

But I’m not a child.

And today didn’t help. How is that one little piece going to help?.... How is thinking about that time… how is that going to make being triggered into the “incident” easier?.... Use the container. Really I get so tired of hearing that because it’s a joke. I understand the idea but really it doesn’t work. Not for me. I’d have to sit and focus on putting everything into the container 24/7…. Consciously focus on that all day in order to keep things from coming up and shaking everything.

I didn’t sleep last night…. I haven’t slept well in weeks. She asked if I needed to go into the hospital… “You need sleep.” …. Didn’t she hear me? I have a sedative… and it isn’t working. Why put me into a hospital and traumatize me more?... Where they will sedate me to a level that I have no control over anything…. No.

"I want to see you Monday. Can you come Monday? You are coming Monday. I'm worried."
"I can come Monday."
"Good I want to see you here at noon."

I want relief. I want this to get better. I want to be able to sleep. I want to be able to function. I want to…. Not have the flashbacks or triggers or memories….

I want to be able to sit through things without it being too much. I want to be able to deal with some of this so it isn’t so hard anymore.

I feel just as silenced as they made me… more so because I have the choice now and I’m unable to control this…..this……. fear. I’m unable to face things knowing that it isn’t happening right then and there. And I know that is probably because the younger parts are still living in the past not the present… and I know we are supposed to work with Jane on bring them into the present but I can’t wait. I can’t. This is too much.
It’s too much.

I’m so tired… it’s so much and it’s constant. I don’t get a break. There is no “on” and “off” switch… there’s no vacation or magical door to close… it’s always there. And I’m always carrying it… even if it’s in a “container”… I am carrying it. And I’m tired.

Talasana

otherwise known as Urdhva Hastasana (Upward Salute).... but I like Talasana (Palm Tree) better... the name flows more easily. Either way, they are the same pose.

This is, like warrior pose, a standing pose. It is basically Tadasana (Mountain Pose) with arms raised above head and looking up toward the sky. It is usually the second asana in Surya Namaskar (Sun Salutation) as the "greeting" to the sun.

It can be classified, however, as a "chest opening" pose. I know Dr. S is choosing many of these "chest opening" poses not only for the emotional reason but also because they are very good for asthmatics.

Tadasana, which is the "base" for this pose, is usually the pose that you come back to. It is the "grounding" pose, and going back into Tadasana allows one to make sure the body is balanced and aligned properly. Tadasana is supposed to help you feel like a mountain (hence the name)... Grounded and unmoveable. Solid. Stable. Firmly in place.

Tadasana is not a giant challenge for me. I do feel somewhat self counscious, and I definitely do not feel "unmoveable" "solid" or "stable". I feel rather wobbily and uncertain. My body often feels awkward and disjointed. Perhaps that is more mental than phsyical. Let's face it, I am anything but connected to my body.

I do spend most of my time curled up... making myself smaller. Closing in. So standing for long moments in Tadasana is difficult at best. Especially when someone else is present.

Move into Talasana and the anxiety levels sky rocket. Another observation this week: I rarely if ever raise both arms above my head. Even one arm above my head is a rare occurance, unless reaching for something. I instinctively keep my arms down and close to my body. When asked to leave this comfort zone, things get triggered.

Standing poses that require my arms above my head become triggering. They are no longer simply poses that cause anxiety and vulnerability. Simply moving my body into that position triggers all of my brain's internal red flags. That is not a safe position. I've been held down far too many times with my arms in that position. It took me most of the week (well, and technically years and years...just never focused on the why's of my practice,) struggling with this (and the warrior) pose to finally connect it.... And I really didn't connect it until I allowed myself to draw and the sketches came out.... very telling sketches.

Logically I know I am safe with Dr. S.... logically I know I am safe in my own apartment. I know that raising my own arms is not dangerous... but if I could master logic I wouldn't need therapy. It is easier (as is everything) to do alone in my apartment. I still struggle...but it is easier. Doing the poses next to someone else is very difficult. The threat of touch. In that moment, ther eis nothing logical going through my brain..... In that moment all I feel is danger.

*And this is edited (we --- edited into "me" "I", etc) so that I can give it to Dr. S.....

Virabhadrasana I

Warrior 1 Pose

Strength. Power. The warrior pose channels the inner warrior in your spirit/soul. Grounding strongly through the legs, allowing the upper body to be light and open, the pose helps bring forth a sense of clarity, courage, strength, and power.

I have been doing my "Dr. S homework" all week... doing the warrior poses, even if it is all I do... for the few minutes I feel up to doing it. I haven't been doing it in front of a mirror like she wanted... I'm not sure she knew doing the pose itself would be challenge enough... I'm no where near ready to have to watch myself doing it. Mirrors are .... impossible 90% of the time in normal day to day routines.... But alas I am getting off track.

The words Dr. S used to describe the pose were: Strong. Powerful. Armored. Yet, when I get onto my mat and into that pose, I feel anything but "Strong. Powerful. Armored." Envisioning myself as those things is not something I am able to see. In fact I would be ready to argue those descriptions... rather weakly and meekly but... I'd object, none the less.

When asked to describe myself (in a place I am safe to do so honestly -- therapy, Dr. S) I use: Weak. Worthless. Failure. Scared. Alone. Ashamed. Untrusting. Wounded. Broken. Fat. Disgusting. Dirty. Not good enough. (You get the point)....... Those are words I feel safe with, but also words that I have believed for...well, what feels like forever. They are words that I was fed from the very beginning. But words that I believe. They are words that I attach to and readily accept as self descriptions.

When I write or use "strong" or "powerful" it is never positive. It is always associated with something negative:

The strong urge to cut.
The strong urge to throw up.
The strong waves of anxiety.
The overpowering need to self sabotage.
The memories are too powerful.
The flashbacks are too strong.

I never say: I feel strong. I feel powerful. I am stronger than...... I am more powerful than.... It is always used in a way that makes things seem impossible, too much.... The message running through my head: I am too weak to handle those things. I am not strong enough. I have said that many times: I am NOT strong. I am not strong enough.... Again, negative.

Warrior pose doesn't really trigger anything in the way of suddenly pulling disturbing memories off the shelf without warning. It is more a sense of what the pose means..... Triggering my self beliefs. The words used to describe it set off something deep within....

I never see myself as strong because I grew up in a house with an over dominant father. I was not allowed to be strong, because that posed a threat to him. A small child asserting themselves was a threat. It was his way or no way. Any resistance, hesitation, or opposing opinions were met with overpowering anger. Shocking strength that could destroy everything in it's path. I never got the chance to be strong.

I was never allowed to show strength or power. And I am beginning to understand that those words... those descriptions: Power. Strength; they hold negative associations... negative meanings. Automatic negative responses. When I think of strength I think of how weak I was, how strong he was/they were. How I was powerless. I think of anger -- red hot anger... and pain. Iron gripping pain. Strong hands that left bruises. Strong fists that pounded... squeezed. Strong arms pulling me toward wild eyes... such strength shoving me across the room. Strength to me is violence. Strength, is not safe.

When I think of power I think of how I didn't have any, how I felt so helpless.... silenced. It makes me think of how powerful they were. How they used that power to manipulate and control. How that power truly made them stronger.

To me strength and power embody bad things. They are hurtful things to me... I associate them with abuse and pain. Feelings of entrapment, dominance, and destruction.....

I see strength as something dangerous and unyielding. I see power as something volatile wicked. As time went on I did everything I could to not be those things. As a child that is what those words meant to me, so I instinctively went in the opposite direction. Partly because of what they did to me, but also because… it’s what I thought was safe.

If strength and power were unsafe… Weakness and submissiveness were safe.

movement therapy

Dr. S was my Jane today… She filled in for the week, hopefully it will make getting to next week easier.

I almost took my yoga mat. Seriously… I honestly thought about it, even got it out, but then last minute decided no… that it would look far too strange. People don’t just carry around yoga mats like purses. And the thought that she’d think I was expecting yoga went thru my head and her offering to see me was more than enough and so, I opted not to since I felt like I was asking too much already. To be honest I was going to bring it just to sit on… since sitting in her chairs for an hour isn’t ideal. But something did say: “Bring your mat, you know she will use it.” …. But I didn’t.


She tried to do the “fill in Jane” thing and even went through the motions of a therapist: “So how are you this week?” “What would you like to work on/talk about?” etc…. all those “therapist-like” questions. She even asked about anxiety and how it affects my life. I told her that it is so prevalent that I don’t really notice it anymore, it’s just there. I don’t take note of how it affects things. So she asked about fear (my fears have come up many times – esp during the IV’s)…

“How does the fear affect things?”
“I don’t know. I guess I avoid things.”
“What kind of things?”
“Many things, but I guess people is what I avoid the most.”

So then she asked about relationships… if I have any close girl friends. I told her no… she asked if I have ever had them, and I answer no. Not even in childhood… That’s my sister. She has the close friends…she has one girlfriend who she’s known since 6th grade… she helped raise her son (she was a teenage mother) who is now 13…they still visit a few times a year and talk almost daily. But me… no. I don’t have that. She asked if I was close to my family, and I told her I pretend to be. She asked why, and I was unable to answer. The why is… complicated and I’m not sure I have an answer that would work at this point… without having to divulge too much information. Not that I don’t trust Dr. S, but… would be too complicated for just the one day. It is, after all, her first time being “Fill in Jane”… don’t want to scare her off.

“It sounds like you are alone.”
“Yeah, I guess.”

She didn’t pity me… that’s not how it was said. But yes… I am alone. Which is why I need “fill in Jane” when Jane is not in town… because I don’t have someone to call up and meet for coffee…. Jane is it. She is all I have here. She is my only safe place here…..

There was silence and "Fill in Jane" doesn’t do well with silence… not silence itself but more she wanted the hour to be useful and productive… So after a few minutes of silence growing and expanding in her little office (the walls are purple and not foo-foo purple…a nice lavender purple that’s rich but bright…have I said I LOVE her office… purple). … she broke the silence:

“I want to do some movement therapy with you.”

The look on my face must have been more than enough because she explained what she meant (after laughing and promising it was nothing bad or painful)… “It’ll be fun.” But whenever a therapist, even a “fill in Jane” promises “fun” within the session hour… I’m always apprehensive.

Movement therapy (Fill in Jane style) is using yoga postures and sequences to evoke certain emotions and physical responses. The whole idea that the body and mind are connected, and many things are stored in the body…. Things not always expected. She promised that she would follow all the rules that I gave her in regards to the IVs (telling me before touching/moving, etc) and that I didn’t even have to talk… anything felt or thought during the exercise could be kept to myself and that choice would be respected. But that she at least wanted me to notice anything that came up.

I agreed to try… hesitantly.

She changed so she could do everything with me (which is good because her standing there for an hour watching me do yoga would not have happened!)…. So we went into her yoga studio… which is blue… bright sky blue…. The whole office is just so colorful. Anyway.

We did (in varying orders and sequences):
Mountain pose, Upward Salute, Standing Forward Bend, Downward Facing Dog, One Leg Downward Facing Dog, High Lunge, Bound Angle Pose, Child’s Pose, Warrior 1, Corpse Pose



These are all things I do/did in my yoga routine… so nothing new. But most are poses I’d hurry out of, and didn’t focus on…or stay in long. The “safest” pose was Child’s Pose…. I went into a sort of modified not-really-garland pose…. (if you know what that is, brownie points…)…. That also felt safe. All the others felt too vulnerable and exposed.

Any time something felt too scary I’d fall out of the pose… so even tho I didn’t say much, I think I said more than words could have. She respected it and would go back into a “safe” pose and then try again with the other ones… 5 breaths in child’s pose, 3 breaths in Upward Salute….
I guess I realized that most of my time I try to remain closed… Small, contained, protected. I close up… curl in on myself. Which “Fill in Jane” says is a normal response when we feel unsafe. I had to resist the (very strong) urge to run and curl up in the corner (we were standing in the middle of the room). I managed to do the poses but shook thru most of them.

After a few escapes back into Child’s Pose she made me give her my hands and pulled them out in front… to “open the chest” so that the breath could be more “free”… It felt more vulnerable but managed it.

The realization that I keep myself closed was the biggest “epiphany” of the day. I could write more, but I won’t.

Dr. S has offered to do weekly “movement therapy” sessions with me. For free.

“I’m not a therapist. No where near as qualified as Jane. My doctors license allows me to practice “modern” and naturopathic medicine. I can work with emotional issues, prescribe meds, do physical therapy, but it isn’t a psychology degree. I do have counseling experience (she’s a life coach), and you already know I’ve been practicing yoga for 22 years (she also has her teaching certification). So I’m not a therapist, but I’d be willing to do this with you every week if it is something you think would help.”

It was a different experience… but I did think it helped, and would help. It might help with the work I’m doing with Jane. I feel safe with Dr. S, and tho I wouldn’t tell her about the parts… I’d feel ok if any abuse related things came up.

She says that the purpose of it is to help me feel safer, stronger, more self confident, more able. That she knows I am strong and able, but that I can’t see it.

“What you learn on your mat, you can take and use in your life.”

So she believes that if I can confront feelings like anxiety, fear, vulnerability, sadness, etc on my mat…. Then I can take that and use it to empower me in life/work in therapy…. If I can master it on the mat, then it will build my confidence to be able to master/sit with/feel it off of the mat.

I’m going to accept her offer. Will talk to Jane, who I think will be excited about it… but I am going to accept. I just don’t know how to thank her.